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How are you feeling? she asks. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. $18.49 $ 18. Should be fun, but it costs $500. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} A man is on trial for armed robbery. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. Hold it in. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and cola.". Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! short for? After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. So I had to put my foot down. What did the baby corn say to its mom? Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Later, they order an other round. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. You couldnt beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. How to be witty and win anyone over]. She says, Im here to give you super sex., After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess Ill have the soup., I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. Steven Wright. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. Submitted by Hoss Alfred. | Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. Im going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world., 20. He was a tackling dummy. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes Jim nervously mimicked her. Rub one ball and everything moves.". Then, it hit me. She couldnt control her pupils. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned., Mrs. Smith wails, Oh, the poor man! There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? Pack your stuff, they're waiting. Daddy! atlantic beach zoning map; torvill and dean routines list; sync only some activity types from garmin to strava Obviously, use them only when the conversation gets out of control and the other person stoops to insults. Start in England and drive west. ", "Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? It will be a low key funeral. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Yes, I said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. She couldn't control her pupils. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. You were looking for a piece of plastic. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? What are you complaining about? he fires back. Now what do you want? the woman asks. [Read: 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment], 34. Submitted by Ken MacKay. Mr. 10. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. The woman responded, Shes a dentist. GCFL.net, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. If you're loving these science jokes, you'll get a kick out of these math jokes too. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Hes now a seasoned veteran. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. Dont miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. No, she said. BBLTHRW. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. ' Tim Vine. "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". 49 ($1.68 $1.68 / Fl Oz) Savings Get any 3 for $39.99 Shop items. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Youre it! That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. 17. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. Try these funny birthday jokes! Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? But wait till I take him out of the bowl.Submitted by Nancy Send, An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. The boy screams. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. The bartender shakes his head. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. Where are average things manufactured? The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern Universitys Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program. lifeguard air ambulance new mexico hassan has plastic surgery hassan has plastic surgery After several readings, I couldnt find my mistake. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." Jokes. It's stopped twerking. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners Ill ask your sister. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. 15. Today I saw something that reminded me of you. They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. Five, six, maybe seven times. Local man killed by falling piano. This is my first day driving a cab. Dont you want to play with any of the toys?, Yes, the little boy bawled, but if I did Id only break them.. Breathe! By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. Between you and me, something smells. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, When spring 2023 starts in the UK and why there are different ways of calculating the first day, Ken Bruce's final show reminded us he doesn't just talk to everyone, he listens to them, too, Who hates my naked protests most? A class act. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes A: A steeping bag. To get to the other side. Tap To Copy. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. Thesehilarious dog punswill give youpaws. Spell elephant,' the older one said. Then she called, Here, kittySubmitted by Khalid Khan. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! Theres just one condition. ._2cHgYGbfV9EZMSThqLt2tx{margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{width:75%;height:24px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-,._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{background:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);background-size:200%;margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-{width:100%;height:46px} Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Its shift work. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. It all happened so fast., A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. 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And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Its called balance., 3. Diddly-squats. No pun in 10 did. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They make up everything. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Months? Submitted by Denise Stewart. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. is saying I should be on Jeopardy! every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests. Laura Peek, comedian. ", "If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright, 33. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. Theres a smartass quote for that. You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} Was anything wrong with them? the clerk asked. This isnt even real. I know, he says. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. Never trust atoms. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable?. [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]. And what, may I ask, are you? The cat replies, Um, Im a gnome.Submitted by Blake Kiltoff, What is my relationship deal breaker? I told them: I understand. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? If anything, it made him more sluggish. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Then it dawned on me. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. (Consider yourself warned! .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding and Photobombed. Why did the chicken go to the sance? He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. Submitted by Sai Gautam, Me: Im going to go skydiving for my 40th birthday. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. Whats a Queen without her King? The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. They always take things literally. Its not until an hour or two later that you come up with a one-liner to knock them off their feet. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He fought with me again! He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools..